How numbers matter

In this world especially the cancer world, all that matters is numbers.  Today my number is 5...5% to be exact.  Thats the amount that shrunk, and the amount left to shrink.  But I feel defeated, I really thought 6 was the magic treatment number, especially because before and after all my head has done is pound constantly.  I am tired of hearing this could happen if you don't do this, or you won't be able to do this if you don't do that!  But what I am really tired of is a hospital bed.  At this point i will spend all my $$ to have treatment at home, but I know thats not how this works.  I mean the last time I was in the hospital sorry I wasn't on my best behavior; I had my period for the first time in two months, so sorry I was moody and didn't want to be there; if you had cramps I wouldn't want to be stuck in a hospital bed with yucky food either!!!!!!  But no one remembers that side of it, or the fact the nurses didn't tell the head nurse I was ready until numerous hours later with lots of saline, then the chemo started late because there was a tear in the line....BUT NO... they just remember me leaving against medical advice and I learned fast because I scared myself shitless.  Instead Doc says he won't treat me again until I see a psychiatrist, so now in the Doctors eyes I am a "Psychotic Cancer patient!"  This song says it best A Little Bit Stronger by Leighton Meester

Woke up late today
And I still felt the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
Got dressed through the mess
And put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
It doesn't happen overnight
Then you turn around and months gone by
And you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

Or this song Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
But Either way I still Cant Control anything and it completely sucks!! Tonight I was so beyond tired I put my pajama bottoms over my sweatpants as shown below.  I just want to be done, enjoy summer and GO BACK TO SCHOOL!! I am tomorrow for the day but I want to be back there permanently.
I NEED A VACATION far away from any hospital beds, where I can go swimming, and whatever else I desire